I can remember the first time I got eyeliner and mascara. It must have been sometime in the summer before sixth grade because I started wearing it almost everyday to school. I was 11. I just remember feeling beautiful. At that time I has struggling with feeling overweight and I really didn't like myself and I had problems with my body image. To me, makeup equaled beauty. I remember everything about the moment that everything changed; the moment that Satan would use to remind me that I wasn't beautiful without makeup. Since I was 11, I have been haunted by 4 words that my teacher uttered to me one morning as I arrived at school and handed her my homework. "You look different, today." I immediately returned to my seat, wracking my brain as to why I looked different. Then, like a train, it hit me. I had woke up in a frenzy that morning, got dressed, ate something and rushed out the door, forgetting something that I had worn everyday since the start of 6th grade; my eyeliner and mascara. That single moment, those 4 words, changed my life forever. Satan twisted those words in my mind. Now, as a rational adult, I can see that she didn't mean it the way that I understood it. she just mean "You look different", which I did. But my heart heard "You don't look beautiful without make-up. You look weird. You need make-up to look and feel beautiful." On that day everything changed. I vowed to myself to not let anyone, except my immediate family to see me without make-up.
Over the years, this vow has evolved some and become a crippling pattern. It also evolved from just eyeliner and mascara to eyeliner, mascara, foundation and blush. The only acceptable exception to this rule, was if I were alone with only other girls or women, then the rule didn't have to be applied. For instance, if I were sleeping over at a friends house, I would take off my makeup before bed, or if I were going to a church retreat, but only ever in the presence of women. I can't tell you how many times people would say, "Are you really putting on make-up? We're on a retreat?!" Or "It's just my family." To me that didn't matter, I could only feel beautiful and complete with make-up. I can't say how many times I would sneak off to the bathroom or put it on, knowing that I was going into water that day and apply waterproof mascara, hoping it would stay on. Or simply think, well even if its running down my face, at least its on my face. This has been my life since I have been 11. Almost everyone in my life has only ever seen me with make-up. Very few people see me without it.
As my relationship with the Lord has grown and changed over the years, one thing that He speaks to me at times and we talk about beauty. Although I don't always really enjoy what we talk about, in my Sophomore year at EMU, I was challenged in a class to make something. I don't remember the assignment, but what I created was a piece of art that is still special to me. I used the verse from Song of Solomon. It says "You are altogether beautiful, my darling. There is no flaw in you." I was struggling with God. He was asking me to talk about my beauty perceptions, and I was struggling to believe those words, His Words.
A few years ago, I was attending a summer leadership program with my church and the Lord brought this up again. I felt Him asking me to take a step of faith. He asked me to not wear makeup for one day of our retreat. I trusted all of the men in the group, but for some reason I felt the need to share my story and explain why I was doing it. I also needed them to treat me no differently, and to make no comments about my appearance that day. A few friends told me that I didn't have to do that, but I was so terrified that I would be even more wounded if someone did that I had to share. There just never seemed like a right time that weekend and I never said anything. Every retreat since then, I thought about saying something and doing it, but I was never as close to everyone in the group as I was to everyone there, so I never did it.
In the last year, Jesus has been bringing freedom. It's funny how moving in with a family that is not your own, or moving across the World brings freedom in your life that you never thought possible. I don't know if it the thought that I may never see these people again, or that I feel comfortable and like part of the family, or that everyone speaks German, so even if they said I look weird, I wouldn't even know. I don't know. Maybe it is the Lord just being gracious, but I've found a small amount of freedom. I still have a long way to go, but actually quite often now, I don't wear make-up. I get up and don't worry about looking great, since I'll mostly be at home all day. A few weeks ago, I completely forgot that I didn't have makeup on, and even went into town without it. Later, when I realized I was surprised not to feel crippling fear, but laughter. I laughed that I had forgotten and then went on with my day. To my surprise, no one said a thing to me.
Our World is so saturated with beauty and what it looks like to be beautiful. But the fact is, I'm never going to look like a model or actress. I think one thing that has helped my body perception is to stop reading magazines. They constantly put this image in our heads of what we're supposed to look like. Who cares what were supposed to look like?! Let's look like ourselves, the way God created us to look. Don't get me wrong, I don't think its bad to wear makeup or to wear stylish clothes, but let's not let those things determine who we are and what we look like. We are God's Children, created in His image. This should be our definition of beauty. "I am a child of God, and I want to look like Christ."