Check back soon for info about my experience in Italy!
After 75 days, 10 and a half weeks, and a four week intensive German course, I FINALLY HAVE MY VISA!! I am so happy to know that everything is final and I am staying for the year. I feel like a new person. I feel like I can finally relax and just enjoy my time here instead of stressing about my Visa. And, making it even sweeter by celebrating today with Starbucks and buying some flowers. Sounds strange, right?! Well my whole life, my mom and Grandmothers always had flowers around. The houses were always teeming with flowers outside and inside. To me, it's comforting. Just one more thing to make my space feel more like my room. And to top off the celebrating, in just a few weeks, I'm heading to Italy! This is a dream come true and I am so excited to be in places that hold so much history. Bon voyage!
Check back soon for info about my experience in Italy!
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Thanks for your prayers and support. They mean so much to me. Here's a look at the past week.
Sunday, I began feeling anxious about my exam that I would take on Thursday. The only way I would be staying in Germany is if I passed this exam. I had begun studying a few days before, but I was nervous still. I went to church that evening, hoping for a chance to take my mind off things and worship. Worship started and I was pleased that it was one I knew well. I closed my eyes and began singing. The song was one that we sang often at my church in Michigan, so I was feeling very at home. I was even imagining standing in that sanctuary that I’ve stood is so many times, singing this very song. In that moment, I thought “This feels like home.” Before my human brain could think something else, I heard from the Lord, “This is home for a while. You will pass your test.” I know it was Him, because the response came too quickly. There is no way my brain would process something that fast. After those words were uttered in my ears, I began crying and a weight was lifted off my chest. I felt like I could breathe. The rest of the week was totally different. I had this confidence I hadn’t had with German before. I was confident that I would pass, because the Lord spoke to me. Thursday arrived, and to my surprise, I was calm and dependant on the Lord. Numerous times over the last few weeks, I have prayed and uttered the words, “Lord, if this isn’t what you have for me, that’s ok, I’ll go home. I don’t want to, but I will if You tell me to.” I was still saying those things, in an effort to try and handle all the emotions that could result as the outcome of the test was revealed. Thursday on my way to school I plugged in my headphones, needed the presence of the Holy Spirit on my mind. I listened to “You Make Me Brave” by Bethel Music, and “I am Not Alone” by Kari Jobe. If you need two songs to give you confidence, I’d choose those. I was confident in the Lord’s words to me and in my preparation for the exam. After the exam was another story. I was a mess. The speaking section of the exam didn’t go as well as I’d hoped and I was really worried I wouldn’t pass. The listening sections had also been more difficult than I had expected, and I was just unsure of the outcome. My classmates and I went to lunch to celebrate the end of the class. It was fun and I enjoyed being with them. All afternoon and evening, I was plagued by doubt and fear. I believed that the Lord had spoke to me, but I just didn’t believe that I had passed. I kept thinking, “what if I didn’t pass? Does that mean God didn’t speak to me?” And yet even as I would think those things, I believed that he had spoken to me. But I was worried what I would say to Him, if somehow I didn’t pass. My human mind just couldn’t commit to the idea that I had passed. I didn’t sleep well either, knowing I would find out the results the next morning. Friday morning, I got up and the wait began. At points, I felt like I was going to throw up. FINALLY, class began and she gave us our grades. And just as The Lord promised, I passed. When she said my grade, I exclaimed “I’m staying in Germany, ya’ll!!” Some of the people around me that knew passing would mean I got to stay, gave me high fives or big smiles from across the room. I guess the thing I learned this week, is even when the Lord speaks, and I honestly believe He has spoken to me, my human flesh will always fail and doubt His words. I honestly believe that He spoke to me, to give me the confidence I needed going into the test. I also think He hoped it would help calm me down after, and maybe it did some, I’ll never know. I’m just thankful the Lord chose to speak, and that I was able to hear His voice. Please continue to pray for me. On Monday I will head to the Visa office with my certificate of completion in the course, with the hopes that I will finally get my Visa. Honestly, if they decline me again, I don’t know if I will get the Visa. Pray that the woman would be gracious and that I can speak to her what little German I know to impress her. Below are links to the songs I shared above. “You Make Me Brave” by Bethel Music “I am Not Alone” by Kari Jobe This last week has flown by quickly, and I am sure that the one to come will also fly by. This coming week I begin my final week of class, and Thursday holds my exam. I am nervous, worried, and ready for it all to be over. No matter what the outcome, I just want it to be over. The test basically determines if I stay, or if I go back to the US. I'm not sure that I feel ready or even competent enough to take the exam, but I am pressing on. I do really want to stay, so I am working to try and do that. Learning a new language is just SO hard, and it takes so much work and practice and memorization. I did find out though that I only need at 60% to pass. I am fairly confident that I can do that, but its the speaking that makes me most nervous. I am trying to memorize and study sentences to make that part a little easier; I just hope it works. The AuPair across the street offered to help me study, so that will be good. I also need to memorize a few sentences for a note that we have to write. Its just lots of memorization and sometimes, I have a really hard time with it.
I remember being in middle school and having my mom help me study with flashcards. We would spend hours going over them until I got them all, or at least most of them. Thats how I feel now. Thankfully I am a decent test taker, although this feels like a whole new ball game. Please pray for me. Pray for my memory to be strong, pray for my studying to be fruitful and that I would know what I need to in order to pass the exam. I believe that God has brought me here for a reason, and I am believing that I will stay, although right now, nothing is set in stone. I have a few verses that I have put around my room as reminders that I am not alone and God is with me, so I'll leave you with those. This week I started my Intensive German course. And let me say, its been intense and crazy. I have experienced a wide variety of emotions this week, mostly having to do with this course. Every weekday, from 8:45a-12:45p, I have class. We have a few breaks in there, but its basically four hours of German and its tough. Monday was a good day. I already knew most of the vocabulary, I could tell I was going to like my teacher, and my classmates seemed really nice. We were off to a great start. But Tuesday came rushing in with force. It was apparent that since I had been teaching myself, there were gaps in my understanding, mostly in Grammar. I was confused and unsure about the material that we discussed in class. I was able to ask for some help, and seemed to better understand the content and grammar. Wednesday again came rushing in, and I was again knocked down and felt completely defeated with German. Even though I wasn't sure if I should attend Bible Study that night, I went and my group even offered to help me with my German homework and explained to me some of the things I wasn't understanding and helped me complete my homework. Feeling thankful and upbeat again I attended class Thursday and Friday, and there lay a different set of difficulties. Our class has a terrific teacher Monday-Wednesday, and a not so good one Thursday and Friday. To make a long story short, she doesn't really teach us, but rather lead us through the exercises in the book and expects us to simply understand everything. So it makes the class tough to sit through and somewhat enjoy.
In the midst of all this, the Lord revealed to me a sense of pride in me that He is breaking down. I realized that I am afraid to ask for help. It is really hard for me to ask for people to help me learn and practice and speak, because I don't want to seem or look stupid. German and this process makes me feel stupid. It is hard, and I feel like most of the time I just don't get it, and I feel stupid. I think this is also the reason I didn't put more effort into it in America before I left. It was hard for me to get help from my small group this week. I also was able to share this with the Au Pair across the street last night. We went to an Au Pair meeting and I was telling her about my week and she told me that any night I need help, I can come across the street to her house and we can work on it together. The Lord has blessed me so much. But my human flesh is stubborn and my pride takes over. I just don't want people to think I'm stupid. But in light of this realization, I am pointed back to the Cross and my Savior. It doesn't matter what other people think of me. Only His opinion matters. He will still love me if I speak English and German, or just English, or smoother language. I have chosen to follow Him, so His view of me is simply a reflection of himself. Through the words of other people this week, He whispered, "It's ok to ask for help. You won't look stupid. Trust Me." |
AuthorMy name is Lindsey. I graduated from Eastern Michigan University with a degree in Early Childhood Education in 2015 and moved to Germany as an Au Pair for a year! I love my Savior and my relationship with Him is most important. I also love traveling. I have been to the UK and Ireland, South Korea, China, Bosnia, Montenegro, and now Germany, Italy, Austria and France. I started this blog to chronicle my life as an Au Pair in Germany and my European Travels. My hope is that future Au Pairs would find my blog helpful and informative as they decide if they would like to be an Au Pair. Lindsey's Instagram:
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